Dating: Your Intention And Direction

How can a young man keep his way pure? By guarding it according to your word. Psalm 119:9 (ESV)

Desire without knowledge is not good, and whoever makes haste with his feet misses his way. Proverbs 19:2 (ESV)

Dating in today’s 21st century is so different from centuries in the past, especially for Christians, who are looking to date in today’s modern world. For the most part, dating many years ago used to be very respectful and considerate, especially with a young man seeking to date or court a young lady. But in today’s societies, a lot of that respect, consideration, and discipline, regarding what should and should not happen within a dating relationship, has gone away.

In today’s society, there are very loose expectations, parameters, or boundaries when dating. People are encouraged to just have fun, be open, and be willing to participate in a lot of different activities/behaviors that are not physically or emotionally healthy and, most definitely not Godly. Dating rules by worldly standards will have no direction or intentionality in the relationship. In those relationships, one is encouraged to just live and let live, be easy/free, and do whatever makes a person” feel good”. However, in contrast, in Christian dating, there will be a clear direction of where one wants the relationship to go, and they will engage in having clean fun and targeted intentionality.

In Bible times if a man and woman were dating, they would have a courtship of about a year that was not consummated (meaning no sex) until after they were married. And during that year, the direction of the relationship and the intentionality was clear. Fast forwarding a few years from Bible times, there was respect and intentionality in dating or courting as it was called at the time. A young man would go and ask a young lady’s parents’ permission to take their daughter out on a date. They would date very innocently and respectfully for a few months, and eventually, they would become engaged and then marry.

For those who are single and seek a Godly relationship, be encouraged to date with intentionality and direction. In researching this topic and speaking with others, below are my thoughts/suggestions on the stages of Christian dating:

Friend-dating Stage: This is a term I use to describe when you first meet someone, and when there are no labels of boyfriend/girlfriend at this time. This stage should be light, fun, casual, but very intentional. Dating should be in groups as well as some one-on-one dates at various locales, and not in one or the other’s home. Even though there are no permanent labels at this point the direction and intentionality should be known that you want to get to know this person and, to see if it should move forward. At this stage, if you don’t find the compatibility there for whatever reason, do not move to the next step. End the relationship as friends and move on.

Boyfriend/Girlfriend/Exclusive Stage: Before moving to this stage, it should be clear/understood this is not a causal relationship any longer. At this stage, you’re both clear that you are working towards the direction of engagement and then marriage. In this phase, you’re making sure to introduce your partner to family and friends and engage with family activities on both sides. Seeking to have serious discussions about the relationship, the future, and what that looks like for the both of you. If you’re continuing strong in this phase, and before moving to the next (engagement), it might be a good idea to have pre-engagement counseling.

Engagement Stage: At this stage, the wedding is being planned and pre-marital counseling should be underway. From my research, many pastors mentioned that the engagement does not have to be years and years in duration. A point was made that in Bible times, most people were married as soon as their year of courtship/engagement ended. Many of the pastors suggested usually six to eight months after becoming engaged, the wedding should be held, not years and years later.

I encourage any single person to consider intentional Christian dating in their efforts to find their future spouse. Before you begin dating, make a list of your boundaries, as well as what you’re looking for in a mate. Be clear on who you are, and do not allow yourself to change to please another.  

Next week, we will look at celibacy and dating in the 21st Century.

Blessings,

Angélique

To contact: Angelique@21stcenturygodlyliving.com