Shock/Rage/Revenge/
Understanding
The Lord is my strength and my song, comma and he has become my salvation; this is my God and I will praise him, my father’s God and I will exalt him… ESV-Exodus 15:2
This is part two, of a three-part series on divorce. I’ve shared my journey in part one and in part two, I will shed light on personality disorders that may have had a great impact on how your relationship ended. Especially if it was sudden and unexpected. In the final segment (part 3) we will mostly look at steps you can begin, which will hopefully put you on the road to recovery.
I joined a divorce recovery group (Divorce Care-I’ll share more later) and met an individual there who shared a video with me on NPD, Narcissist Personality Disorder. Prior to this video (I’ve watched several since then), I always thought of narcissists as people with just really huge egos. But narcissistic personality disorder is much more serious than a person having a huge ego. When I saw this video and other subsequent videos, all the pieces were put into place. I found an explanation for the bizarre behavior that I had witnessed towards the end of my marriage. To be fair, I watched several videos from doctors, therapists & relationship experts regarding this disorder. Some of the videos mentioned five telltale signs of a narcissist and some had as many as 20-30 different signs. In all the videos however, if the person with this disorder has the majority of the signs mentioned, they do have the disorder. I will also note, the majority of the people in my divorce care group, all of their ex-spouses had the majority of the traits of this disorder. Prior to our divorces, most in the class really did not know of this disorder, as we all do now. We all had no clue we were in marriages with a partner, who had this disorder. This is one of the reasons why I’m taking time to highlight this disorder, as opposed to others. I will put links below for videos on narcissistic personality disorder, for you to do your own research. But at this stage, and moving forward, I am very well aware of the signs a person will exhibit, that has NPD. Hopefully, this will help all of us as we move on in life. When dealing with business associates, interacting with family members, as well as perhaps, your future life partner. I strongly encourage you to review these videos, as well as perhaps others, so you will be well-armed with knowledge, about this very grave disorder.
Another disorder, that is a step up from the narcissist, is a sociopath. To note, some narcissists have sociopathic tendencies, but may not be a full-on sociopath. Sociopaths have all the narcissistic tendencies, but in taking it further, these individuals are consummate liars and are constantly role-playing depending on their audience. Meaning, in order to get individuals “on their side” they will play a character that will woo their various audiences. If they’re trying to impress someone of a certain demographic for instance, they take on various characteristics of that demographic in order to be one of them. They will easily slip into another demographic in order to be a part of that group. All of this is done, in an effort to gain relationships with these various individuals, that will be used or exploited in the future. The relationship will be cultivated only in the hopes of using it in the future, to help the narcissist obtain whatever it is they want to achieve; a totally self-driven objective. It will not be for the benefit of these various individuals. They will be nice and do various tasks or things for the individuals, in a mask of being helpful. And in a sense, they are being helpful. But trust, they will circle back and require something from these various individuals when they need it in the future. So, their desire to be helpful and kind, is always, always based on self. Just like Satan, sociopaths will mix truth with error in their lies, in order to boost themselves up, or affectively manipulate in their role-playing. For the narcissist, they do have some empathy, regarding what they’re doing and how they treat people. But for the sociopaths (which is one step before psychopaths), have very little. And the empathy they do have always points back to themselves. Their empathy is based on how it will impact what they want to get out of this person or a situation. Or they will show empathy in order to not be perceived as selfish, cold and calculating. Their putting on a show of empathy is another weapon of manipulation and role-playing.
To note, one has to realize relationships with narcissists and sociopaths are very superficial. They will tell you they really care about/love you, but they never will have true depth. They will make you feel you are the world and you’re everything to them. They will love bomb you and make you feel no one else in the world, exists like you. That is part of their enduring charm and how they can lock individuals into relationships with them for a very long time. You will be willing to excuse some of their other behaviors, mannerisms and ferocious tempers (a point here, most narcissists have very violent tempers) because of their very effective love bombing techniques. When I say love bombing, it is not just romantic. It can also be used on friendships as well as family members. They have the ability of “pouring it on” to whomever their audience is, in order to secure you on their side. And they do this because they’re getting their narcissistic/sociopathic supply from you at that time. This supply can take on many forms. It could be praises for their various talents or abilities. It could be financial, emotional and/or physical. Whatever it is they are getting from you that lifts them up in some fashion, is their supply. Once that supply goes down or is no longer viable from you (in their minds), they will look to others to get their new supply. Once they secure a new source of supply, they will do what’s referred to as narcissistic discard. They will drop you and the relationship they had with you, very abruptly. They will usually have no empathy or caring as to how you feel, to what they’ve done. Not only the person in the relationship who is being discarded will see this lack of empathy, but others who are close to the situation will also see the coldness of their dealings in how they ended the relationship.
Then they will revert back to their manipulative/lying characteristics, in order to gain sympathy from their current or new audience: family, friends, church members, neighbors, etc. They will use their abilities to make it seem like they had to do what they did, in order for them to feel better, etc. They will do it in such a way, their audience will believe them, and will believe what they did was right, good, or at least okay. All the while this audience of theirs has no idea of the depth of the hurt, pain, and damage they have caused. They have no idea of the emotional, financial, physical and perhaps even spiritual damage they have left in their wake.
I would like to make a very important point here. All of us are on the narcissistic scale. Try to imagine one line with healthy narcissistic behavior on the far-left end. In the middle portion, are those who do not have the full-on disorder, but a little bit more than most with their narcissistic tendencies. And then on the far-right end of this imaginary line, you will have first narcissistic personality disorders, then sociopaths and then finally psychopaths.
As for psychopaths that is another topic altogether. And I won’t be addressing this disorder in this article. But it will be safe to say if you see someone with psychopathic tendencies/behaviors, to keep your distance. These are extremely dangerous individuals.
Narcissists or sociopaths are characterized as “life of the party” types (not everyone who is considered a “life of the party” type has the disorder, however) who are a lot of fun and exciting to be around. My caution, however, would be to not have an in-depth relationship with these people. Whether it be romantic or as a business partner involving finances, I would greatly caution going into any of those types of relationships with them. If you do, chances are high you will come out of that relationship with some sort of damage or loss. Again, I’m not saying to avoid these types of people. But in your dealings with them, keep it on a surface level. That way you can enjoy them and their contribution to the world, but you will not be harmed by their very damaging tendencies.
I will mention another disorder that was shared in class. And that is someone who has a passive-aggressive personality disorder. I have not studied this disorder in as much detail, however, I have placed a link below that will get you started into looking into those with this disorder.
I am not saying all divorces are the result of a disorder. But, quite a few of them do seem to have these disorders as a component in the marriage itself; and played a role into how the marriage ended. Especially if the ending was very abrupt, and without any caring for the individual that has been left.
To note, for those divorces where there are no disorders present, the break-ups take on a more “healthy tone” sort to speak. Meaning the individuals involved show a great amount of love, compassion, and empathy for each other. It will be painful, but the pain is greatly lessened by the fact there is so much caring for each other as they go their separate ways. Each party will say sorry to each other and look to be there as much as they can, as they separate. There will be no evidence of cheating or blaming each other for any lack. They will make sure to pay or agree, to split any remaining debts. They will not look to leave one party responsible for handling all of the financial baggage, that came with the marriage. If children are present, they will work together for the benefit of their children. A divorce between two healthy caring adults is totally different, as opposed to those where one or both parties exhibit personality disorders.
Prayer: Dear God, please be with those who have the disorders listed above. Be with their loved ones who are also a part of that dynamic. I pray for clarity and understanding for us all, as we move forward in this life.
~Angelique ~
Links:
Next week: Divorce Part 3 -Conclusion of series…